Sound the alarm, gaffetitis is on the loose!

Taiwan is the biggest Americanophile, hands down. We gobble up just about anything Uncle Sam slops down on our dinner trays...from brain-numbing Hollywood films to pencil-tight Guess jeans to lard-dripping hamburgers and even down to hottest contagious ailment that has been going around in Washington for years--gaffetitis.

Blame it on D. Quayle, he let out a sneeze in the 90's when he said, "I love California, I practically grew up in Pheonix!" As a good'ol proud American lad, the former veep owned up to his blunder by saying, "I stand by all the missstatements that I have made." Clap-claps for Dan! Now I just wish trigger-happy Dubya can soon muster up enough courage to admit to all of his "mis-underestimations" he has made during his eight-year clown fest.

Gaffetitis, like all infecious diseases, knows no border. Despite the ardent efforts by our Centers for Disease Control to safeguard the island from the noxious saliva droplets of DQ, the virulent malady successfully slithered into Taiwanese government and cankered the president and his cabinet.

President Ma Ying-jeou once told the Aborigenes that "we (he probably meant the high-class mainlanders) view you as humans." Geesh thanks, for a moment there I thought A-mei was just a jolly monkey with a microphone fetish!

Premier Liu Chao-hsiuan would have been more convincing if he wore his Shaolin garb when he publicly said Taiwan would go to war with Japan after a Japanese patrol vessel sunk a Taiwanese fishing boat. By any chance did anyone tell Liu that the Taiwanese fishermen were in the disputed water illegally and declaring war against with one of Taiwan's best friends in the legislature is sorta, kinda, oh shall we say, a big deal??

But who can fault him for his belligerence when our former National Security Council chief Tsai Chao-ming openly said SARS was China's biological weapon. Tsai resigned earlier this month citing "personal reasons" and was decorated by Ma with a medal of valor for his outstanding services to Taiwan's security.

Even a has-been rapper MC Hammer has left an indeliable impression on the cabinet. Despite his extensive medical training, former health minister Lin Fang-yu still fell prey to the g-sickies when he said the only way for Taiwan to combat against enterovirus was to pray because well, you know, "we've got to pray just to make it today."

Thanks to the Personnl Adminsitration Minister Chen Ching-hsiu, I finally realize that I too am an exhibitionist. After all, he said asking officials to disclose their financial status is like stripping them down to their birthday suits. If that were the case, then even a super insecure individual such as I have given a few strip tease in my ife when I had tell the credit card companies of my embarassing annual earnings.

Americans who spend very little time in Taiwan are susceptible to the pathogen as evident in AIT Chairman Raymond Burghardt who recently said "what are you suggesting we do, bomb them?" when a reporter asked him if the US viewed the Chinese missiles facing Taiwan as a threat to Taiwan and if so what action would Washington take to deter the threat.

The one with the deadliest ah-choos is none other than our defense minister Chen Chao-ming who said to help out those who have been hit hard by this economy contraction, the army is considering to bring "kitchen waste" to the low-income families nearby the base. Sorry piggies, I guess you guys will have to eat the expensive hormone-laced feed instead my slimy banana peels and moldy expired cheese.

So here is a direct appeal to Bayer's, Merck, Pfeizer, and all those big time drug makers out there. Drop your hunt for a female viagara, stop your research for cure for cancer, and definitely forget about coming up effetive AIDS treatment. The big money lies with a wonder drug that would prevent officials from lying, manipulating, deceiving, or simply saying excruciatingly stupid embarassing things.

You know actually on second thought...nah, let those fools be fools. After all, good comedy is hard to come by and if these officials can't protect my freedom or fatten my wallet like their job descriptions require, then why not just let them skip around like buffoons and make me laugh. At least they would be good for sum'm!